This is my husband, Leo, and I – photo taken last week (November 10, 2016) on our twentieth anniversary!
He was such a sweetheart, agreeing to spend the day going to different locations and taking photos of ourselves with our camera using the self-timer and a tripod. We took over 200 photos! You can see in this picture that we’re really into each other – so in love! Pretty fantastic after twenty years of marriage, right?
Things weren’t always this way.
My husband was addicted to pornography for the first eight years of our marriage. In the early years he was very penitent about it – apologizing every time that he fell, telling me that he was going to try to never do it again. As the chasm between us widened, due to the porn and a myriad of other problems in our relationship (many of them my fault), his attitude changed. He stopped confessing and told me that it was none of my business. He also said unkind words to me, in intimate moments, which pierced my heart and soul. Trust was utterly destroyed.
God has been healing us over the last thirteen years of our marriage. He has delivered Leo completely from bondage to porn over eight years ago. We’ve been married twenty years now and our marriage has gone from emotional torture, feeling like I’d never experience happiness in this lifetime, to now when I can feel total bliss with Leo and I feel more in love with him than ever before. We are truly becoming one.
However, the trust is still not completely there. I feel like my heart is afraid sometimes and instead of pressing closer to Leo I pull back.
Several weeks ago our pastor talked about porn during a message. He said it was sinful and harmful, etc. and told us wives that we are not alone. The pastor repeated, “You are not alone,” several times. Every time he said it I thought, I am totally alone! No one knows what I went through. It’s too yucky and shameful to talk about with anyone. And I could never fully trust Leo.
After the message my heart was in turmoil. Finally that evening I told Leo what was bothering me. I told him how I was feeling – like I’m alone and I couldn’t trust him. So laying in bed we decided to tackle the problem in prayer. I think Leo was very brave in being willing to pray with me about such a difficult subject. I sometimes feel like, why can’t the past just stay in the past? But if you’ve never dealt with something then it’s not really in the past. It’s still there, festering like an untreated wound.
So he prayed this way, “God, why is Celesta feeling like she is all alone and can’t trust me? When did this first start happening?”
I remembered a time maybe about six years ago when I told Leo that I felt I couldn’t trust him. At that time he had told me, “Trust is a choice.” (So basically saying that it was my issue.) I told Leo what came to mind.
He prayed and asked, “God, what is your truth about this situation?”
Immediately I got the thought that, while it is true that trust is a choice, it was mean of Leo to say that to me like that.
Leo turned to me and told me that he was sorry for everything – for the porn and for saying that to me. I could see the sincerity in his eyes. Immediately I felt set free from all the yucky feeling that had been stirred up in my heart. And I gained the courage I needed to be able to take another step towards him in trust.
Thank you Jesus for continuing to fix my marriage!
I wanted to share this story with you so that you would know there is hope in Jesus even if your marriage is a total train-wreck like mine was fourteen years ago.
I’m a writer of over twenty works of fiction. I have only ever written one non-fiction book. It’s a subject that is so close to my heart and something I feel God specifically called me to write. It’s called, Please Fix My Marriage. This book shares some of my life story as well as giving practical steps for what to do if you feel unhappy in your marriage.
There is hope in Jesus!